Friday, 3 January 2014

Lost and found

“The problem for us is not are our desires satisfied or not. The problem is how do we know what we desire.” 
 Slavoj Žižek

When you brake up, it's one of the most inspiring kick. Honestly, I've been in inspirational block for about 6 months. Usually I am very highly inspired and creating things is just something I do to cure my mental health.

And as mental health I just mean that it helps me through frustration, which I become too easy. I'm not crazy and I don't have mental problems - that I also learnt after breaking up.

I learnt some self respect, in a healthy way. I learnt to trust myself, which was before almost impossible. I automatically was thinking that everything I do is shit. I was always looking my creations from negative angle.

Some people have this as physically - they hate how they look, some people hate their real life and try to create a new life by hiding their real personalities... there are several types of hiding yourself. It is true that the worse enemy in your life is YOU. When you don't feel ok inside, how can you see beauty of life?

I'm the one in our family who always smiled and didn't cause problems. I am very kind person and people have also been telling me this and they have been worried that I will get hurt one day because I am the way I am. Still, I want to stay kind, I believe on helping others, but... then there are people who use you. And this was totally new for me. Or I have been friends with this kind of people, but they have never used me as I have been always honest. They couldn't do it.

I guess.

But then the day came, when I was used. My kindness and sensitivity was used and it felt horrible. There was emotions included, which made everything looots more difficult. It sucked my dry. I lost weight several kilos (again) just in few months. I lost my inspiration to create and interest on everything. And as I liked him and as I had built this caring connection to him, I couldn't let him go. And this was when I went deeper.  He had total control on me. I put all my effort to help him, that all energy which I before used for creating and to myself. It was always about him: he has his difficult past and he has his problems and he is this and he is that and I don't understand life from his point of view.

And as he corrupted my mind, I really started to feel like I don't understand anything and I'm the stupid one. And it's not true, I'm not stupid. I have experienced hard things in my life, but I have also succeed in life. And I have succeed because I am the person I am. But he was so strongly reflecting himself to me that I became him in his eyes. He though he can treat me like he treats himself. And it's kinda true, like I wrote: YOU are your worse enemy.

This is first time ever I experience something like this and it's fucking negative thing. You kind of loose yourself. But I'm very happy I lived this. I learnt. I definitely did. I looked myself in the mirror and understood that actually in my life everything is pretty good. I should be happy about myself, respect myself more. And without my new friends in this new city I would have gone very deep, but when I decided to go further in my life, from somewhere these people which I didn't even think as my close friends, came and took me from my hand and said: we're here for you.

So I have done something right too!

Now I'm starting to be inspired again, little by little. This is a new start and maybe this experience will also effect my further creations. Wow!

 “Thus another friendship was dashed on the cruel rocks amid the storm of my self-destruction.” ― Russell Brand

Happy New Year 2014!

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